How to care for your ULQUIORRA SCHIFFER Unit!
by ChaoticOKMA95
Summary: Hey there valued customer. Thank you for your purchase of the ULQUIORRA Unit. Please read this guide so that you can learn how to care for your very own Unit. Rated T for Language. No flames please.


_I DO NOT OWN BLEACH OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS – BLEACH BELONGS TO TITE KUBO._

-START OF GUIDE-

ULQUIORRA SCHIFFER: OWNER'S GUIDE

Congratulations valued customer! You have just purchased Model Number 4 of the ULQUIORRA unit in our Espada Catalogue in section 'E'. This is your Owner's Guide that should address all basic information about ULQUIORRA.

_Bleach Industries – Because no one else cares about the customer but us._

NAME: ULQUIORRA Unit – CUATRO ESPADA – Bleach Catalogue 'E'

DESIGNATION: Melancholic, Dispassionate

ASPECT: Emptiness (Nihilism)

RESSURECCION CODEWORD: Bind, Murcielago!

MANIFACTURING DATA: 13/06/12-05:41

MANIFACTURING COMPANY: Bleach Industries – Section 10

STATISTICAL HEIGHT: AVERAGE

STATISTICAL WEIGHT: AVERAGE

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ATTIRE/CLOTHING

(QUANTITY-TWO) Arrancar/Espada attire: White Jacket and Hakama outfit.

(QUANTITY-ONE) Murcielago Katana: Complete with sharpening kit/set.

(QUANTITY-ONE) Resurrección Attire: White robe and black nailer, complete with black bat wings.

(QUANTITY-ONE) Segunda Etapa Attire: Black fur and white horns, complete with black claws.

(QUANTITY-ONE) Medi-Heal Kit and Bacta Tank: For fast-purpose regeneration, though he doesn't really need it. Kind of pointless, but we have to include this in EVERY character box.

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STEPS 1-5

When removing the box, this step is somewhat important for the ULQUIORRA unit as it's been known to be rarely unpredictable, though some bugs remain present. In some cases, it was brought to the Bleach Industries' attention by our agents that it would act differently and causes some of the following scenarios:

Become domineering over the "interesting trash", i.e. Won't let you leave or even move.

Attempt to kill/destroy any nearby units, regardless of affiliation or power level/rating

When obtaining your box from the delivery men, make sure they've given you the correct package. They have been known to recently change orders and steal our mascot to sell him instead, due to the new tax policy reducing their income (Again! Seriously?). This happened with a customer of a GRIMMJOW who unfortunately met his end by the VERY LONG claws of the Ripper. If we find out that those lazy bastards have conned us again and stolen our friend, we'll shove two NNOITORA's SANTA TERESA up their rear-ends. Place the box in an open room and unfold.

Your unit will be active, note, so be prepared for any hostile behaviour. Your unit will step out, already equipped with the Arrancar Attire and Murcielago Katana, so you may be at risk. Quickly introduce yourself before he becomes bored (If that's possible), making sure to state you're the unit's master and this is his new home. Warning; this does not automatically mean the unit will give you any command. He may tell you that *trash like you cannot be a master of myself* (male owner) and the same applies with women *Woman, you are not my master* (female owner).

This unit has little problem with being respectful once you prove that being left alive is better than dead. Give the ULQUIORRA unit some available sustenance. Your unit should begin to give you some respect by then, and may already acknowledge your importance. If he's still hostile then back away. Oh, by the way, don't rush, you won't get far if you try to run. We manufactured ULQUIORRA to be faster than GRIMMJOW, who himself is faster than you, not to mention far stronger despite his slim appearance, and we even gave him a sword.

If you're insured by the Bleach Industries, then we will send your body to the SOUL SOCIETY Industries to be revived. Be warned that due to his melancholic nature, he tends to be quite lifeless and somewhat ominous towards the owners of either gender, but posses more power over women. Note that this will be addressed throughout the guide. Now read on for how to care for your ULQUIORRA.

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PROGRAMMING

CUATRO ESPADA (Default) – Your ULQUIORRA unit will play out life as he does in the manga/anime, analysing opponents, attempting to find out what the heart is and generally being a negative force that takes pride in his vast superiority. There's a possibility that he'll try to find YOUR heart, so wear a bulletproof vest or something. If you're on bad terms, then he'll also try to hurt you (usually psychologically, but in some cases physically) in any way possible. Your unit tends to make smart and logical decisions on this setting.

GUARDIAN (LEVEL ONE - Locked) – Your ULQUIORRA unit will start to care more about you as you help him through his extended life (2000 years approximately), usually by not showing emotion or actual caring. It's more that he stops pianos or plant pots from smashing you into a grease stain. He'll also start to help you (brilliant if you have work) with anything you require. Has a habit of secretly ending the lives off up people who done even the slightest thing wrong to you. Your unit makes very analytical yet still slightly dangerous (to others) decisions on this setting.

UNIVERSITY LECTURER (LEVEL TWO - Locked) – ULQUIORRA will become even smarter, realising certain signs when you are distressed or hurt emotionally. He will make accurate judgements and remarks on your current state, and will give advice on why trash shouldn't lower themselves to your level. Your Unit makes the correct decisions and is incredibly sensitive towards the owner.

PARTNER (LEVEL THREE - Locked) – This one is self-explanatory, depending on nature of your intended partnership. The sub-modes of this are Sexual, Sparring, Housekeeping, Marriage (here we go guys, we got the slash modes working). Be aware that in all of these sub-modes, he will become more observant, and can notice the slightest change in your behaviour. ULQUIORRA is VERY NICE to you. Your Unit makes the right decisions and is quite obsessive on this setting.

RESSURECCION (LEVEL FOUR – Locked) – With this mode, your ULQUIORRA will become Hueco Mundo's feared emo-batman. This allows him to start being able to defend you from anything (he does a better job than the superior units), even using and defending you from everything that can be a threat to your safety. Be wary though, as his instinctual nature to bring ungodly despair will make him determined to do this to everyone, including you. In this mode, confrontations WILL occur if he meets an ICHIGO, GRIMMJOW, or any of the GOTIE 13 Units.

AVATAR OF EMPTINESS (LEVEL FIVE - Locked) – Your ULQUIORRA Unit will go into his Segunda Etapa form, so be warned as weaker owners simply died from the sheer force of his SPIRITUAL PRESSURE. This is mostly caused by weakness showed or your own choice. This is most likely where everything will be converted to Ulquiorra-ism. Your unit tends to make smart choices, but will become distracted by his mission of despair and emptiness giving and will most likely end you.

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RELATIONSHIPS

OWNER – Depending on choices you make, these two endings will occur.

- Good – He listens to you and follows all commands. He maintains a stable relationship with owner and can (if you wish of course) eventually end up a relationship between you and the Unit.

- Bad – He ignores everything you say and will perform antagonistic acts, as you hold no power over him, even if you offer him his secretly favourite Kurosaki Biscuits. Eventually ends up in the submissive owner being murdered in every way by the ULQUIORRA unit.

ICHIGO: Will only attempt to kill this Unit, though he takes some time to explain why he'll lose. He tends to refer to him as "Kurosaki Ichigo", a trait shared with AIZEN, BYAKUYA, and others. Leave him be if this occurs or feel free to be given free despair and tears.

GRIMMJOW: Rather negative towards this Unit, despite attempting to ignore it, so don't have both under the same roof unless you want your house destroyed. Due to GRIMMJOW's sadistic and teasing nature, he can't resist a quick jab at the way the emo-ish Unit looks, which may provoke your ULQUIORRA to end him and others who do the same, so don't call him emo out loud, m'kay?

ORIHIME: This is strange and all-kinds of messed up odd (Again!). We don't have any data on this one yet because apparently all Units suffered a temporary shutdown after the Hueco Mundo line receded. All we can say is to be careful. Due to ORIHIME's nature we can only assume that ULQUIORRA will attempt to break her will and heart for his precious Aizen-sama. This may end in bad terms on your part, especially if your laziness is apparent to other characters.

AIZEN: Keep your ULQUIORRA away from this unit. Due to his sheer loyalty to his all-ruling and mighty Aizen-sama, he will leave your care and join AIZEN Units on their mission to kill and become the new GOD. He will eliminate you if not given all your love and emotions.

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CARE & SUSTENANCE

Your ULQUIORRA Unit can wash himself, so leave him to it. Make sure to wash the dirty set of Arrancar Attire and give him the clean one. As for food, always prepare meat or fruit for your ULQUIORRA Unit thrice a day. He's omnivorous and will tuck in without complaint, though he'll point out if you did a crap job on his chicken wings. He may also disappear during the day and may not tell you where he is going. This equals to one scenario which will be addressed later.

Your Unit also requires at least 3 litres of water a day as well as a small bottle of orange juice (the pure kind). Your Unit will often require a place to sleep and recharge when he's not performing his duties or making your life an absolute boredom. ULQUIORRA, being a technical batman, will sleep on the ceiling, using his GRAVITATIONAL DISTORTION shoes to remain there. He may also sleep on the couch or mattress if there is one, due to the shoes running out of batteries again.

If you have reached a stage where he feels comfortable around you, then you may request that both of you use the same bed. Be you male or female, he doesn't really care that much, though there is some awkwardness when you're practically being hugged to death by the Ulqui-bat when he sleeps (Yes it is cute, but his strength will end up suffocating you). As the slash programs came through, you can install it, so he won't be feeling odd about being with you in the same room.

SCENARIO'S

SCENARIO 1 – Your ULQUIORRA's instincts require him to hunt for THE HEART. Do not attempt to stop him as he may consider you his new subject of observation and WILL do anything to make your heart become exposed. Be warned that this WILL happen if you neglect him of conversation.

WARNING! If Scenario 1 occurs, be ready for a blood-covered emo entering your house, followed by an angry yet frightened mob. He may give you the heart as a gift, so accept it, but don't throw it away, as he'll notice and start to think you a negative source. (This = Death)

For more help, see 'page 72' if any other problems occur.

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INSTINCTS AND LOGISTICS 

While your ULQUIORRA may seem strong and smart, he can be defeated. This can end up good or bad. It's mostly bad; for you. He can use his PESQUISA tracker to identify and determine the true strength of everyone, as his is the most up-to-date that we've made yet. He is normally unmoved by most attacks, but isn't almighty. Make sure to keep his sword sharper than his mind. As an ARRANCAR MODEL, and an ESPADA Generation One Model at that, he has extraordinary resilience.

Just treat him right and rewards will come. Injuries are now easy to treat with the brand-new MEDI-HEAL that come free of charge in every MODEL, though he can do this on his own with his natural regeneration. If the ULQUIORRA Unit decides to hunt you due to his nature of chasing anything related to the heart, then lock yourself in the nearest safe-room. Be warned that this won't even slow him down. As we said earlier, we designed the Unit to be far stronger than you.

You should see if you can try to start a conversation to distract him, and make it clear that your heart should stay in your chest and your skull should not be cracked open.

ADVICE/AKA – THE RULES!

Here are some precious rules that we at Bleach Industries have made due to the recent reports of antagonistic and rather abnormal behaviour from ULQUIORRA units.

- Don't mistreat, make fun of or bully the ULQUIORRA. He'll kill you, or worse, mind-fuck you with his awesome skills in breaking people. If we find out about this, then don't expect to be brought back from the dead, as we've had more than enough idiots ending up in the grave.

- Be wary of interactions with other Units. Due to his melancholically obsessive nature, you may be confronted by ULQUIORRA after visiting a friend/co-worker, and if you don't provide a satisfactory answer quickly enough, you may find yourself never leaving the house, ever again.

- If he starts getting lonely (quite impossible), then quickly find the ESPADA Guide. Though he never shows it, he respects his superior ESPADA and can start talking or interacting with them as soon as they appear. You may find yourself rewarded for this act of kindness by the ULQUIORRA Unit, depending on your current relationship with him.

- If you want to activate his Resurrección, then give him his sword and state the codeword in a loud clear voice. His clothes will morph into his Resurrección clothing. Note that if you have an unstable relationship, then all you're doing is making it easier for ULQUIORRA to kill you. But if not, you have an emo-batman that'll make any fangirl go, "OMG!" and drop dead from sheer love and the sight of the wonderful mister, umm, sorry. But of course, you'd do well to keep fangirls away. You don't want ULQUIORRA put under arrest for murder OR torture do you?

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FAQ's (FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS)

The Question - My ULQUIORRA Unit is trying to kill me! Why's this?

Answer. This either stems from your neglect of ULQUIORRA, or due to your allowance of him to be the more powerful one without making your position clear. To fix this, wait until he is asleep, and then use your crap sneaking skills to re-boot him. If you can get close enough without waking him that is.

The Question - My ULQUIORRA Unit is far more active and aware. What's happened?

Answer. Your ULQUIORRA Unit has come into contact with a GRIMMJOW, ICHIGO or HOLLOW ICHIGO Unit and has been beaten, taunted or berated by them. Try to give him some help or give him something to eat. Never leave him on his own for too long though. At the end of the day, he'll show his appreciation in some way or form.

The Question –HELL INDUSTRIES – WARNING! Recipient is deceased, death by ULQUIORRA.

Answer. We're not touching that question with a seventy-foot pole. If you're dead because your Unit has slain you, then we can only assume that it's your fault. Direct any enquiries to HELL INDUSTRIES. We'll also confiscate your ULQUIORRA Unit for a period of five to fifteen years (because he holds much greater importance than you).

The Question – Help! My ULQUIORRA Unit has kidnapped me and kept me in my room! He won't let me leave, and I'll die if I can't get food! What's happened? Wait. No, no, no! Hel-!

Answer. If you're still alive and able to speak, then you're ULQUIORRA is subject to the obsessive mode that we mentioned earlier. It seems that without reassurance that you are fine and well, he won't let you leave due to the dangers of the outside world. We're really sorry, but you will have to do everything and anything to make him let you go, and that includes full submission towards him.

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If you have any questions regarding your ULQUIORRA Unit, then contact us via the number of the box. We apologise for the inconvenience of the SLASH Units in other models. We'll start shipping them soon. ULQUIORRA is generally a sensible and gentle lover during your little romp, so don't fear him. Be warned though. He obsesses over the heart, so keep him occupied at all times, no matter what you must do. Thank you and we hope that you and your ULQUIORRA live a happy life!

_Bleach Industries – Because no one else cares about the customer but us._

-END OF GUIDE-

_As a quick word from the writer himself, I want to say that this idea stemmed from people wanting other models or Units. Now I know some wanted ICHIGO or URYUU, and I will do that, but I was personally requested by a very personal friend who practically begged me to do this. I will write the other Units though so do be patient._

_ChaoticOKMA95_


End file.
